giving control

Thursday, July 17, 2014

its been a really really long time since i was open and honest with anyone about how incredibly disappointed I am with ... so much.  mostly myself.  it took my youngest brother-in-law pointing it out to me in a much needed heart to heart we had a few weeks ago for me to acknowledge it out loud.  with out blame.  with a little shame.  and with out judgement from him...  i said it.  no, i'm not happy with my life or my life choices that brought me here.  and with his sweet spirit he challenge me to make a change.  change is so overwhelming.  especially when you feel stuck.  incapable.  limited by past failures...  that you think define you.

so i'm taking today to tell myself: pressures off.  pressures off of your next decision.  pressures off of your next painting.   pressures off of finding the right job.  you know, that ever elusive job that brings fulfillment and joy to your heart bc you know you're doing what you are 'meant' 'called' 'chosen' 'made' to do.

pressures off.

can i train myself to .... not hold my breath?  to not force something 'meaningful'?  to just let myself be? rather than beating up on myself with my first thought every morning?

can i look up instead of inward and painfully at the past?

jesus, help me to...  help me to first agree with your forgiveness and your chosen forgetfulness.  lets start there.  


Sunday, March 24, 2013

found an encouraging little {big} word an old friend typed out for me...  in 2008...  five years later it still touches me.  when i think about that time in my life, so much stress, so much tragedy, so much that so greatly overwhelmed...  and so so much life, hope, fullness...  i cannot help but be overwhelmingly grateful for all it taught me.  taught my husband.  taught us together.  i still get overwhelmed these days.  with all i am not.  all i want to be.  but looking back makes me so incredibly hopeful and fearless about the future! God not only provided for us above and beyond our expectations then, he also changed and molded us, not beyond what i could imagine, but toward something (someone) i could have never imagined.  i am His.  my life. my future. my husband. my character are all His.  and it is spring time here with Him.  as He ever so sweetly continues to pursue me beyond my wildest dreams or expectations, He whispers in my ear, tells me that i'm fearless.  and not to worry sweet love, every good thing i have planned for you, i have already finished.  he makes me whole.  he reminds my soul.  


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

 vermeer study
c. 2003

c. 2003
c. 2003

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