giving control

Thursday, July 17, 2014

its been a really really long time since i was open and honest with anyone about how incredibly disappointed I am with ... so much.  mostly myself.  it took my youngest brother-in-law pointing it out to me in a much needed heart to heart we had a few weeks ago for me to acknowledge it out loud.  with out blame.  with a little shame.  and with out judgement from him...  i said it.  no, i'm not happy with my life or my life choices that brought me here.  and with his sweet spirit he challenge me to make a change.  change is so overwhelming.  especially when you feel stuck.  incapable.  limited by past failures...  that you think define you.

so i'm taking today to tell myself: pressures off.  pressures off of your next decision.  pressures off of your next painting.   pressures off of finding the right job.  you know, that ever elusive job that brings fulfillment and joy to your heart bc you know you're doing what you are 'meant' 'called' 'chosen' 'made' to do.

pressures off.

can i train myself to .... not hold my breath?  to not force something 'meaningful'?  to just let myself be? rather than beating up on myself with my first thought every morning?

can i look up instead of inward and painfully at the past?

jesus, help me to...  help me to first agree with your forgiveness and your chosen forgetfulness.  lets start there.  

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